The Psycho Girl’s Bill of Rights

Much like America, girls enjoy making changes to their constitution. Yesterday, you believed Eva Mendes was a gorgeous, empowered role model; today, you found out she was dating Ryan Gosling. Naturally, she’s now a skank. And last summer? Bandeau bikini tops were trashy; this year, you can’t snag enough them off the Delia’s clearance rack.

Admit it: You love being crazy because it allows you to never back up a decision, never support a belief, and never think twice before going back on a promise. By living this way, you’re ensured a certain amount of collateral chaos– which you love, because you’re crazy.

But woven between the spandex threads of the bright green hotpants that make up a girl’s constitution are ten binding rules that every girl must live by.

At least, every crazy girl. And it’s not necessarily a “must,” it’s more of a “should;” or, “is advised to,” “might consider,” or, “at least needs to have rudimentary knowledge of.”

The Right To Speak Your Mind

No matter how crazy the voices inside your head are starting to sound, racking up an internal store of racing thoughts is any girl’s one-way ticket to forever-alone-with-a-bottle-of-vallium-ness. A psycho girl has the inherent right to speak her mind whenever, wherever, and to whomever she sees fit.

Think your man friend is cheating? Ask. Feel like you deserve a raise? Tell your boss. Grossed out by your roommates three-day-old macaroni growing mold on the stove? Speak up.

Girls tend to prejudge our thoughts and feelings as petty or ridiculous, opening us up to vulnerability. Generally, that’s a correct judgement; however, being vulnerable is part of being human. Specifically, an unstable, slightly insane, female human.

The Right To Protect Yourself

Girls need to be smart about the situations into which they enter. I know I’m assuming a lot (considering the sub-par intelligence with which the majority of the fairer sex weighs in) but staying safe is– go figure– directly correlated with living a happy life. Or any life, really.

Physically, emotionally, intellectually, a girl must be en garde at all times. If she feels threatened, she has a duty to defend herself.

The Right To Observe Marshall Law

Citizens of the psycho girl world retain the right to repeatedly stumble into the bad situations, never learning, growing, or changing, while consistently making sweeping proclamations that they’ve altered their behavior; this is otherwise known as “Marshall Law.”


The Right To Practice Privacy

You’re entitled to maintain your personal endeavors in whatever way you please without fear of unannounced or explicitly consented to search at the hands of others. Texts, Facebook messages, email, and underwear drawers are your private property into which no boyfriend, roommate, coworker or family member has right or reason to snoop.

The Right To Maintain Your Innocence

If you get away with something– accidentally walking out of Target with a pair of sunglasses in your hand, or only being rung up for a manicure when you actually just got a gel mani-pedi and shoulder massage– you’re in no way required to incriminate yourself and admit the folly. And if you’re forgiven of a mistake, no matter how heinous– like cheating on a partner, or forgetting to Tivo Glee for your roommate– the forgivee is officially disallowed to ever again hold that past misstep against you.

Of course, you’re also required to uphold these standards for fellow psycho girls. So, if you notice that the clerk at Trader Joe’s didn’t ring your girlfriend up for her tomatoes, keep your lipglossed mouth shut. And if you let your boyfriend off the hook for liking racy pictures on Instagram, you’re never, ever allowed to bring it up again.

The Right To Consolation

Sometimes, a girl just needs to get it off her push-up demi-clad B-cups and vent. To a friend, a guy, a sibling, an unsuspecting customer who she’s supposed to be selling car insurance to; the crazier the girl, the more frequent the need for emotional catharsis.

You’re entitled to have someone hear you out, even if the dilemma in which you find yourself is entirely your fault, and the onus to fix the situation at hand lies entirely on you. Being crazy means bouts of illogical spontaneity, selfish short-temperdness, and an unattractive propensity to ignorantly proclaim, point fingers, or just generally piss people off.

That being said, you’re allowed to fill someone’s ear with your drama. In fact, you’re encouraged.

The Right Meet Half Way

A psycho girl is required to sometimes dismount her crazy horse and give ground to others. Get over it.

The Right To Be Treated Well

Your psycho girl idiosyncrasies make you a handful, no doubt. You take forty-five minutes to pick an outfit for yoga class; you refuse to eat at restaurants whose address ends in an odd number; you have to kiss your cats goodnight; you use a blog as an outlet for emotional insecurity and anxiety.

But you’re not a bad person. And if you are a bad person, who cares? There’re tons of bad people living fantastic lives– why shouldn’t you be one of them?

The people in your life must treat you with respect and dignity. Your family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, pets, bosses and coworkers. If people abuse you, they don’t deserve to be a part of your twisted, difficult, confusing and oftentimes unbearably stress-filled excuse of a life.

The Right To Have Rights

You may be a psycho girl, but you’re not a Scientologist. You know that no one– not even me, Chelsea Handler, or Michelle Obama’s arms– can tell you how to behave or what you’re allowed to do. This constitution, much like the Constitution of the United States of America, is really just a suggestion, and these amendments are really just hunches, anyway. There’s no eye in the crazy girl sky lurking about and passing judgement every time you run a red light, consciously decide to skip brushing your teeth, or sneak a hot dog two days into a juice fast.


The Right To Use Your Brain

This, I know, is a tall task to include in your list of rights. I mean, choosing between Starbucks’ grande and venti is enough to give you a migraine, so requiring you to make choices that could potentially steer your life in one direction or another is akin to suggesting you… I don’t know, make choices that could potentially steer your life in one direction or another.

The funny thing about being a person in the first world is that, after college, there’s not too many people left to tell you what to do. The year isn’t divided into anything but seasons; there’s no  syllabus, summer reading list, or meal plan; care packages from you parents disappear, and “the future” turns into “what I did today.”

Of course, you can be a pussy and seek out relationships with people who’re inclined to dictate your life. Or you can (wo)man the f*ck up and live your life based on no one’s rules but your own.

Want to go to bed at 7 p.m. on a Wednesday after calling out of work to watch Mad Men all day? That’s your right. Run four miles then eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s? That’s your right. Overanalyze text messages your boyfriend sent, planting uncertainty where it doesn’t actually exist? I mean, that’s stupid, but as a crazy girl, it’s your right.

So embrace it, sister; go forth into the big scary world with your psycho flag flying high, and live whatever disaster of a life you want.


It’s your right.

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