Hello, My Name Is… Ughhhh

It’s raining. It’s a little warm out. And I have an adorable ball of fluff sleeping on my lap.


She looks a bit like a wooly bear caterpillar.


But who’s counting? Are visual comparisons a context in which you can use the idiom “who’s counting”? Is “wooly bear” the scientific name for the aforementioned caterpillars?

…Where am I?

I’m pretty sleepy. I’m always pretty sleepy because I’m actually a koala bear I work at 5am every day, and my job is the most boring thing since history became a subject that’s taught in school isn’t exactly what you’d call “intellectually stimulating.” It’s actually what you would call “financial journalism,” so you do the math.

Again with the misplaced mathematical expressions.

Anyhow, I’m especially exhausted this week because

Hang on. I need to interrupt myself to illuminate just how fucking  brain dead my sleep deprivation has rendered me. Behold, how stupid I’ve become from lack of sleep:


Whatever, grammar is for squares and spelling is for tools and syntax is for jerks and English teachers.

But I’m so expecially tired this week because I am all of those things. Certified in the first two (by much practice and birthright, respectively) and I just began studying to become an honest-to-goodness member of the lattermost option. Yesterday, actually.

Dats right, fewlz. Imma ’bout 2 B Ms. Tool, professora de Ingles para los high school kids n stuff.

All of that taken into consideration– ALL OF IT. Look at it all, drink it in, and then allow me to ax you a question:

What should I rename my blog?

You see, the future Ms. Tool can’t be associated with a weblog chock full of the C-word, jokes about women being a subordinate race, and references to all of the mistakes I made as a child, young adult, and yesterday.

As of right now, you’re reading Psycho Girl Self Help on http://www.HannahTool.com. But that needs to change so that I can some day be employable, and since I’m so entirely devoid of mental capacities, it’s becoming your problem.

What to do, what to do? http://www.PsychoGirlSelfHelp.com, or is that too much typing? http://www.PSGH.com, or does that sound a bit too much like Filbert from Rocko’s Modern Life sneezing into his turtle shell? http://www.GirlsGoneMild.com? http://www.HannahTellsBadJokes.org? http://www.HannahsAdvice.edu?

See, this is why I need your help.

Comment with your ideas. Or text me. Email me. Send me a fax, carrier pigeon, write it in the sky with the blood of the innocent. Just help me hide this nonsense from potential employers and hypothetical future students.

4 thoughts on “Hello, My Name Is… Ughhhh

    1. Hmm, “bob,” you forgot the .com! And I think there’s a little bit of passive-aggression here, which makes me think your comment might be personal…

      I don’t think your REAL name is Bob. I also don’t think you took into account the fact that I can totally see who’s commenting on here because you’re required to drop your email address before you do (you were bright enough to use a fake name, why didn’t you use a fake email, too, “bob”?!)

      So, “bob,” I know you feel kinda badass right now for thinking up that super-witty pseudonym, but darkart3d@gmail.com is no secret. And neither is your true identity.

      You’d make a really, really terrible super hero, “bob.”

    1. If that’s old and boring then give me a walker and call me Maude– Tupperware sales are THE GREATEST.

      Maybe I could rebrand it to TupperwareSales.com!? That’d really throw everyone for a loop.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s