Star Wars: Episode She

Welcome to the new, revamped, redesigned, re-branded, completely the same in utterly every way aside from domain name Psycho Girl Self Help!

On today’s menu?

Hating your past.

This is a topic I’ll have to explore vicariously through my own imagination (because that’s logically possible.) Why? Well, I’ve been confident, awesome, and remarkable since the first spark of cognitive awareness struck up within my elegantly shaped skull.



Hannah, circa two-thousand-and-AWESOME

I know that I’ll peek back on this post in about a month, a year, or when I edit it in an hour and think, “Gosh, Hannah, you’re the brilliantest smarty mcintelligentpants that ever walked atop land, swarmed below sea, or shanked the mighty skies of God’s good earth with her fucking awesome words and stuff.”


I’m a writer, and writing is a process that never completes itself. The rest of my life emulates that and has, therefore, always been basically a disaster. I’m fickle as a pickle only stuck halfway in a jar and about as confident in myself as Lindsey Lohan is sober.

(Or attractive.)

But it’s all good. I’m not one for revisionist history; I think it’s better to instead highlight the mistakes with a big ol’ red pen and jot notes in the margin suggesting possible improvements for future drafts.

Girls carry a pretty stupid, unnecessary burden of guilt around for most of our adult lives. Whether it’s slut-shaming, intellectual bullying, or parental discontent, we’re all pretty convinced that some or all of who we are is wrong, bad, stupid, gross, or not nearly enough like Kate Middleton.

But that bitch has a sister name Pippa, thus proving that no one’s perfect. My haughty advice to all females including myself would be simply to get over it, but I’ve been telling myself that very bit of wisdom for over a decade now (ew, I’m old) and it’s only just recently set in.

“Over,” it turns out, is the wrong preposition for that dictum. If you’re over something, you open yourself up to the risk of falling ass-first into it should you suffer some sort of metaphorical altitude loss. Rather than getting over the things that burden you, get into them, stare them in the face, and ask them politely to go to sleep for the rest of forever.

If you’ve seen Star Wars: A New Hope, you’d know that getting into the center of something evil is the only way to destroy it forever (sort of.) If you haven’t seen Star Wars: A New Hope, you should go blow yourself up because you’re evil.

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