To Whom it Concerns:

It is with mild chagrin that I reluctantly recommend Stu E. Dent to whichever institution you may be a member, since he vaguely said “college” when I asked him to where he would like me to recommend him.

Stu is a below-average student with irascible parents who forced him to take Advanced Placement classes. I had the distinct displeasure to teach Stu in AP English Language, where he sometimes put a little effort into turning his homework in a week late and usually did the bare minimum to complete class projects.

A uniquely close-minded and painfully outspoken man-boy, Stu generally dominated discussions by interrupting peers’ evidence-based, academically phrased claims with his own unfounded opinions. However, Stu astutely knew that, when asked by one of his classmates to provide evidence for any of his usually inflammatory comments, all he needed to say was, “It’s my opinion,” or, “Doesn’t this country have free speech?!” to quiet his classmates — none of whom were bold enough to tell him to shove it — and myself, who honestly just didn’t want to deal with the barrage of emails Stu’s parents would launch at me should I so much as suggest that he just shut up for once.

Aside from his resiliency to underachieve, Stu’s tenacity in the last week of school — during which he monopolized three of my lunch breaks and two hours after school on a Friday insisting that, “There must be something I can do to raise my grade,” and, “Can’t I just turn in all the work I owe you?” — truly set him aside from his peers. As we all know, high school is actually just an exchange of goods and services, not an opportunity for the youth of the nation to become educated, responsible citizens. Stu clearly has a deeper understanding of this nuance than his academically minded, self-motivated peers.

Outside of his mediocre academic attempts, Stu wanted me to include that he’s also an active member of the drama club, but he’s actually just one of the kids who joined drama so they can smoke pot backstage during performances and take pictures of female students changing in the dressing room then body shame them via SnapChat, while using the same pictures to masturbate because he profoundly struggles to interact with his female peers (due in large part to a freshman-year rumor that he tried to force himself on a classmate at a party, but she was drunk and wearing a skirt so his parents made sure the girl felt enough like a slut to drop any charges that might have arisen).

He is also third-string water boy for the school’s historically horrible soccer team, but he asked that I omit that detail. However, thanks to students like Stu, I’m about six beers in while writing this recommendation, so I honestly don’t care.

Overall, Stu is precisely the type of student any college community would be fortunate to have the privilege of expelling. Should you require further information, please do not contact me because I’ve quit teaching and am now running a cash register at Macy’s.

Best,

Ms. A. Teacher

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