I used to be so lonely, now I never have been.

I’ve been this self for maybe four years and before her, I was plaster and seaweed, stiff and slimy.
Hadn’t been cracked or cleaned yet and consequently moved through life as a sleek lump could.
She wasn’t weaker but she wasn’t wise.
She her me was lonely along the lines of a straight flat road continuing through a night with no morning, she never believed in the sun and so it never rose, and all that disbelief bottled in the bottom of her brain for double decades and festered.
I used to be so lonely, now I never have been or so it feels most days.
Stability is a long drive but happy to walk through the door most days.
It’s liking who’s in the mirror most days.
I used to be an earthquake and now I’m unshakeable. Funny to have been born as the Berlin wall fell and turn the corner of a 4th decade as western democracy comes to an orange head.
Funny to be a part of the body politic and never apart from it; never an apolitical body. Lonely.
Stability is cat’s eyes you love so much and see worlds in.
A little Lisa Frank, alive.
Stability is talking to that cat every morning, most days. And waking up a little early to do it.
I used to sleep until leaving and never wash my face. Now I have acne and a regimented facial skincare routine.
Loosely.
Funny how things are always out of balance. Stability is that cat mid-fall, forever.
Those paws. Toe beans. Let me begin where I am.
This is a happy moment in a fulfilling life, and I am comfortable with the slow steps of progress, and their inevitable drig drag along, toe marks in the dirt.
What doesn’t hurt me is lovely and when it does, I am loved.
Right here is a tiny place I can wander anywhere from, in my own company and never alone.
Awake but groggily, nicely though.
My big cat sleeps on the table and the sleek one lies on the floor.
I understand lay versus lie and I’m comfortable enough most days to tell that lie and confident enough to believe it still.
I take energy, I don’t let it charge me I just put it away and dispel it later.
I am efficient and kind. Today right now I am a problem solver and a friend.
A big, big wall of pretty bricks stacked neatly with clean mortar between and proud to protect and contain and just exist, that’s me. This is a time when I love being myself.
Even if my ears never really pop right and my back is starting to hurt all the time.
I don’t really enjoy television and sports are especially baffling in terms of appeal.
I have a hard time talking to most people most days.
These cats cry most nights and it keeps me up, and so does my beating heart and my round thoughts rolling from ear to ear I’m just thinking and thinking or counting each circle, most nights.
But the cats do cry less and I do sleep more because I’m growing, from the dirty dirt.

 

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